


Reach out and Hold Me

by tomorrowisblue



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Cookies as a plot device, Getting Together, M/M, background changbin/han, boys talking about feelings, everyone is a disaster, felix wants cuddles Now, half fluff half angst, tw one panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29186913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomorrowisblue/pseuds/tomorrowisblue
Summary: “We all like Channie-hyung,” Jisung says, but I don't think that’s what I meant starts racing through Felix’s mind as he digs his nails into the edge of the table because now that he’s thinking it he can’t stop thinking about how much he doesn’t just like his leader. He likes Chan, and maybe it took awhile for him to let down his guard enough to realize it but people say the ends justify the means and this end is all that matters.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 99





	Reach out and Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY TURN AWAY NOW AND SAVE US ALL THE EMBARRASSMENT. 
> 
> thanks so much to my soulmates for looking this over and encouraging me and getting me to actually fucking write again i love you both so so so very much. 
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> -felix has a panic attack towards the end of the fic, and generally doesn't think the highest of himself but chan helps him through everything

Felix doesn’t know why they start talking about it, but Hyunjin and Changbin are talking about how Felix usually cuddles them whenever they talk after a long day. 

‘We talked for four hours at the hotel, and we went to sleep hugging in my bed,” Hyunjin laughs, Seungmin and Changbin immediately launching into their own stories about Felix cuddling them. 

“He rubs his head on my stomach like this,” Minho agrees, shaking his head back and forth judging by the way the other boys are laughing. 

“Wow I’ve never seen him like that,” Chan says. 

“I think he just doesn’t do it to you,” Seugmin says, Hyunjin miming tears while Minho laughs and Felix is  _ so so _ glad he’s not in the room with them because he doesn’t want to see what Chan’s face is doing even though he knows their leader is laughing like he always is. 

“Are you sad?” Felix hears Changbin ask, but Chan’s answer is cut off by the producers asking the next question. 

The rest of the interview goes by in a blur, Felix answering the producer’s questions with a nervous smile and trying not to let his mind wander.  _ Do I really never cuddle Chan?  _ He can’t stop asking himself, but the more he thinks about it the more he realizes that what Seungmin said is true. They don’t cuddle. They hold hands and hug when Felix is feeling needy, sure, but they don’t  _ cuddle _ . 

His friends aren’t not wrong, is the thing. Felix  _ loves _ skinship, loves feeling close to his best friends while they talk about everything and nothing before falling asleep smashed together in a bunk bed that’s meant to only fit one person. If there’s a choice between sitting on the couch and on a lap, he’ll choose the lap every time, even if he knows there’s a camera on him and millions of fans watching. 

He’s even fallen asleep in Jeongin’s arms, and they all know he’s the one most reluctant to cuddle and can turn wrestling matches with Minho into cuddle sessions, but he can’t think of  _ one time _ he’s gotten that close to Chan. 

Felix doesn’t realize that they’re back at the dorms until Jisung gently presses their shoulders together with a soft “bro, let’s go,” and Felix doesn’t miss the look Chan gives him from the sidewalk before chirping Changbin about how his hair is sticking up at a weird angle from where he fell asleep in the car. 

“You okay, Lix?” Jisung asks once the other boys are sufficiently distracted by Changbin launching himself on Chan and ignoring Minho’s sigh at the shenanigans. 

“‘M fine Sungie,” Felix says, hoping he sounds convincing enough for Jisung to drop the topic. 

“Bro,” Jisung starts, and Felix has never been more grateful that his friends are the way they are when Hyunjin comes over and wraps his arms around Jisung and whines about being tired and needing him for a pillow. 

“In a minute Jinnie,” Jisung says, hushing their friend. “I’m trying to talk to Lixie.”

“But I’m  _ tired _ ,” Hyunjin whines, pointing his biggest puppy dog eyes at Jisung knowing no one can resist his cuteness. 

“Just go Sungie,” Felix says, voice this-shy of pleading. 

“I love you,” Jisung promises, Felix answering back while Jisung’s leech says that they should love  _ him _ more. “You know where the room is if you need me.” 

“Go before Hyunjinnie starts crying,” Felix laughs for the first time since the interview. 

“Heeeey-” Hyunjin squeals as Jisung drags him into the building. 

Felix isn’t sure what to expect when he actually enters the room he shares with Changbin and Chan, but it’s not Chan already curled up in his bunk facing the wall with the covers pulled up past his shoulders or the look that Changbin gives him, something like pity or worry and so very far from the small smile Felix likes to see. 

All Felix wants to do is collapse on his bed and suffocate in his stuffed animals but he knows that he’ll regret it in the morning if he doesn’t wash the makeup off his skin and change into more comfortable sleep clothes. Once he’s in the bathroom he takes his time, hoping that no one will bother him and if he punches the shower curtain a few times in frustration he’s the only one who knows. 

“Yongbok,” Changbin says, knocking gently on the door, “You have to come out sometime.” 

“Coming,” Felix says, hastily changing into his sleep pants and a shirt that might actually be Changbin’s. 

Changbin’s still waiting by the door, and Felix can’t help but push himself into his friend’s arms for comfort that he’s not sure if he actually deserves right now. Changbin just holds him tighter, whispering something soft that Felix can’t understand but that makes him feel a little lighter nonetheless. 

“Thanks Binnie,” he whispers into Changbin’s shirt before pulling back and crawling into bed. 

“Goodnight hyung,” Changbin says, and Chan answers back because he’s  _ Chan _ . 

Felix wakes up sweating even though he kicked the blankets off in the middle of the worst night of sleep he’s possibly ever gotten. All he can remember is Chan crying and someone kicking Felix out of the practice studio and  _ why is this happening I didn’t do anything _ . 

He feels eyes on him from across the room, and  _ of course _ Chan is watching him, eyes creased in worry but not daring to come closer. 

“Are you alright?” Chan asks, and _dammit why is he like this_ _he should be mad at me and I don’t even really know why._

“Didn’t sleep well,” Felix says. 

“I can tell,” Chan answers, eyes not leaving Felix’s face and not saying anything about what happened yesterday.

“I’m sorry,” Felix says, knowing Chan won’t push him but needing to know where they stand after all their friends pointed out that their relationship is different. 

“It’s nothing Felix,” Chan says, eyes so full of warmth that Felix wants to strangle him. He  _ saw _ how shocked Chan was when Hyunjin and Seungmin talked about Felix’s love of skinship, but now he’s acting like nothing happened. “I just want you to trust me, no matter what that means.”

“I  _ do  _ trust you,” Felix swears, feeling it in his bones. “I just…”

“I was hard on you,” Chan whispers, “Back when we were trainees, I was so much harder on you than everyone else.”

“You cared,” Felix says, “You wanted us to succeed.” 

“I shouldn’t have been so harsh,” Chan argues. “You were scared, I should’ve been more of a friend than a leader.”

_ You’re the best leader _ , Felix wants to argue, just as Jisung bursts through the door shouting about being hungry. 

Felix has heard the same thing over and over, knows that Chan is hardest on the people he cares the most about, and  _ of course _ he was hardest on the person who reminded him the most of home. Chan’s worked so hard to make sure that everyone knows how much he cares about them, doting on them like they’re his baby ducklings and that’s enough to make Felix giggle.  _ Or a chick.  _ Felix hated it at the time, wanting nothing more than to run away and never come back or scream back at Chan that he was doing his best, but now he’s grateful for all the extra pushing. 

“You coming?” he hears Chan ask, laughing at the way Jisung is trying to pull him out of the room and Jisung must have had tunnel-vision before because now that he sees Felix he’s latching onto his back and knocking at his knees to get him to move. 

“Feeeliiiixxx,” Jisung whines, “food.”

“Yes Sungie,” Felix answers dutifully, bending down enough so Jisung can properly get on his back for a piggyback ride, sharing a smile with Chan and trying to ignore the way his ears feel warm when their eyes connect. 

Breakfast is always a messy affair, with Minho trying to help Jeongin and Seungmin fry eggs while Changbin sits at the table like he’s been told after the last Egg Incident. If he didn’t know any better, Felix would think something’s up because he’s ushered into a seat between Hyunjin and Jisung while Chan gets pushed into a seat at the end of the table next to Minho. No one says anything, part of Felix is glad that his friends aren’t trying to Parent Trap him and Chan by making them sit next to each other but the air feels so  _ wrong _ that it makes Felix’s skin crawl as he sinks as deep as he can into his chair.

Chan catches his eyes once, eyes sparking at a joke Minho is telling him, something in Felix’s stomach flips at the attention and he can’t help but smile back. He feels Jisung knock into his shoulder and Hyunjin squeeze his knee under the table, checking that everything’s alright and again _ everything is fine nothing happened Chan’s fine I’m fine.  _

\----

Felix wants to try harder to let Chan inside his bubble, and who better than the other 3RACHA boys to help brainstorm things they can do just the two of them without lighting Felix’s nerves on fire. He knows they’ll be happy to help, but it’s safer to bribe them with food and neither boy can resist a free-ish meal. 

“What’s on your mind baby,” Jisung says after they huddle into a booth in the back of the restaurant, not wanting to attract too much attention from wandering eyes. They love Stays, wouldn’t be anywhere without them, and they’re all happy to meet fans but now isn’t the time and Felix should be worried about how careful Jisung is being but it really just makes him feel safe. 

“He’s not your baby, Sungie,” Changbin says, shuffling closer to Jisung. 

“ _ You’re _ my baby, baby,” Jisung agrees, throwing a hand over Felix’s mouth before he can start fake-gagging. 

“You’re sickening,” Felix laughs, grateful that that’s what comes out of his mouth instead of  _ how do I get that I want that you’re perfect together.  _

“We’re adorable,” Jisung says, putting his hands on his boyfriend’s cheeks so he can nod Changbin’s head up and down for him. 

“Sickening,” Felix repeats. 

“Did you bring us here just so you could mock our - ?” Jisung asks, cutting himself off when he sees the waiter approaching the table. 

The waiter coming to take their order is a stupid formality, Felix and the other members come here enough and usually get a variation of the same meal which ends up getting passed around the table regardless of who ordered it and this time is no different. Felix doesn’t really care what he eats right now, content to listen to Jisung argue with the owner from across the room about them not needing any complimentary drinks; “we’re paying and we know where you live so there’s no hiding from Felix’s money.” 

Once the waiter leaves, Jisung’s face turns serious, and Felix knows that he literally asked for this but that doesn’t stop him from being nervous. 

“Talk to us,” Jisung says. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Felix says, far more honest than he meant to be.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Changbin says, offering Felix a small smile. “We’ve got time.”

“We’re here for you Lix,” Jisung agrees, gently knocking his shoulder into Felix’s. 

“I like Chan-hyung,” Felix mumbles, sure that his friends can hear him over the white noise in the background. 

“We all like Channie-hyung,” Jisung says, but  _ I don't think that’s what I meant _ starts racing through Felix’s mind as he digs his nails into the edge of the table because now that he’s thinking it he can’t stop thinking about how much he doesn’t just like his leader. He  _ likes Chan _ , and maybe it took awhile for him to let down his guard enough to realize it but people say the ends justify the means and this end is all that matters. 

“Oh,” Changbin whispers. 

“It’s stupid,” Felix says.

“It’s not stupid,” Changbin argues. 

_ Yes it is _ , Felix thinks _ , Chan doesn’t need one of his members following him around with a stupid crush especially not me I’m no one _ . 

“You’re  _ Felix _ ,” Jisung says, voice strong enough that Felix can’t help but look at him even though he didn’t mean to say any of that outloud. The look in his friend’s eyes is like nothing he’s seen since their trainee days, Jisung’s eyes almost begging for a fight. 

“He literally called you sunshine yesterday bro,” Changbin agrees, much gentler than his boyfriend. 

“It’s just a nickname,” Felix argues, ignoring the feeling of his ears heating up at the memory. Chan had wrapped his arms around him and messed up his hair when Felix told him he’d been working on his singing and told him how proud he was and Felix felt like he was floating on a cloud for the rest of the day. 

“Sure,” Jisung agrees, “which is why all he talked about during dinner was ‘Felix did this’ and ‘did you see Felix do that?’”

“That’s a lie,” Changbin argues, “He mostly talked about how good Felix sounded during his ASMR and how he wants to be a guest star.” 

“Oh, you’re right,” Jisung agrees. 

“Shut up,” Felix says, wishing the ground would swallow him whole and erase his existence. 

“We’re trying to say that he likes you too,” Jisung says. “And we know him best so we  _ have _ to be right.” 

They’re cut off again by the food arriving, and Felix almost wishes that Jisung didn’t have the habit of eating like he’s never going to see food again because restarting this conversation is going to be  _ embarrassing _ . If he thinks  _ Chan likes the kimchi here maybe I should bring him back some, _ well, no one needs to know. 

Felix’s stomach is too full of butterflies to even think of eating more than a few bites so he mostly pushes noodles around in his bowl and takes the smallest bites he can whenever his friends look towards him. 

“You have to eat, Lix,” Changbin says, shoving his chopsticks in front of Felix’s mouth and shoving food in when he opens his mouth to object.

“Oh oh oh are we feeding Lixie?” Jisung asks, happy to help even if it means he has to sacrifice his own food. 

“No one is feeding me,” Felix insists, flushing at the attention while knowing his friends won’t stop until they’re sure he’s full. “I can do it myself.”

Ignoring the way his cheeks heat with how his friends are watching, Felix dutifully loads his chopsticks and shovels a few bites in, turning towards Jisung with an open mouth full of food just because he can. 

“So what are you gonna do about Chan-hyung?” Changbin asks after a few minutes, and Felix wasn’t expecting to restart the conversation so soon or he wouldn’t be choking on the rice he just took a bite of. 

“Felix!” Jisung shouts, pounding on Felix’s back while Changbin sits there looking like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“I’m alright,” Felix chokes out breathlessly once he’s stopped coughing. 

“If you don’t wanna talk about it anymore we don’t have to,” Changbin says.

“No, I think we have to,” Jisung argues, “We love you and we want you to be happy but not talking about this isn’t gonna make it go away or get better.”

“Sungie,” Changbin warns, Felix cutting him off because Jisung is right, his feelings won’t go away and his friends are just trying to help. 

“‘T’s alright Binnie,” he promises. “I just- I don’t know what to do.”

“Chan’s not super complicated, you know,” Jisung says. “He’d give you the world if it made you happy.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of?” Felix whispers. “What if I say something and he feels obligated to go along with it. That’s fucked.”

“How’ll you know unless you try?” Jisung asks after his latest bite. 

“I don’t know how,” Felix whines, because how do you court someone?  _ Is that what this is? Chan isn’t some princess and I’m not some noble knight trying to win his heart but that’s how it feels I don’t deserve someone like him.  _

“We’ll figure it out,” Changbin promises, smacking Jisung’s hand away from his plate a second too late if Jisung’s screech of victory is anything to go by. 

“Play with him,” Jisung shouts, cheeks full of ramen that he stole from Changbin’s bowl. 

“What?” Felix blurts, grateful that he’s been done with his food or it might be coming back up. 

“Chan likes games,” Jisung explains. “He’s always trying to get us to play cards or video games, right? Play with him.”

“That’s - actually yeah. That’s a good idea,” Changbin agrees, patting his boyfriend’s hair in approval. 

“I could do that,” Felix agrees, remembering the way Chan lights up when he gets competitive and _oh no that’s too hot what if I die or look like an idiot_ _at least it’ll be a fun way to go_. 

“We’ll distract the boys,” Jisung promises, eyes lighting up at the prospect of a secret mission only the three of them know about. 

“Just tell us when,” Changbin agrees. “I’ll keep Sungie under control.” 

“Hey-” Jisung whines without any heat. 

“I’ll call him tonight,” Felix says, nodding to himself. 

“You’ve got this bro,” Changbin assures him, and for the first time since his heart got turned upside down Felix thinks that everything could be alright. 

Sometimes Felix hates that Chan’s a workaholic, not coming back from the studio until after everyone’s asleep most nights and leaving before Felix wakes up if he’s working on a new song, but right now he’s grateful for it. Chan being gone means that he has time to psych himself up for the call he knows he has to make instead of panicking and letting one of the other boys distract their leader until Felix even forgets he has a plan. 

The plan’s simple enough that he shouldn’t be able to fail, literally just calling Chan and inviting him to play a game with him and whoever loses will do the winner’s chores for a week. The chores are negotiable, a way to lure Chan into leaving the studio for something more than just Felix’s company, the nagging thought won’t leave his brain even though he knows it’s most likely not true. 

_ He’s your friend, Felix, _ Jisung’s voice reminds him before he dials Chan’s number. _ He likes you, and you like him, this’ll work out. _

Felix’s hands shake as he pulls up Chan’s contact info, heart skipping a beat when he sees the picture of Chan looking soft in a cardigan holding up a peace sign and grinning cheekily at the camera. Felix doesn’t remember setting that as Chan’s contact but it’s more than possible he did it in a daze one night when he should’ve been sleeping instead of scrolling through the photo albums management set up for them. 

Chan picks up before Felix gets a chance to panic and hang up, his voice startling Felix enough that he almost drops the phone twice and squeaks out a “hello,” Chan’s gentle laughter reminding him that  _ no, hanging up now is not an option _ . 

“Felix?” Chan chuckles, “You okay bro?”

“Sorry,” Felix mumbles, glad that Chan can’t see the way his ears are turning tomato red. “Yeah, ‘m good.”

“What’s up,” Chan asks, used to being interrupted by the boys while he’s working. 

“When’re you comin home?” Felix asks, realizing that the one step of his plan he didn’t think about was how to actually  _ ask _ Chan to leave. 

“Later,” Chan says, “This beat isn’t quite right but it just needs a few tweaks.” 

“You should come back now,” Felix blurts. 

“Oh?” Chan laughs at Felix’s sudden enthusiasm. “D’you miss me?”

_ Always _ . “I have a proposal,” Felix says instead. 

“Go on,” Chan says, all background noise coming to a halt. 

“A game,” Felix says, “Your choice. Loser does the winner’s chores for a week.” 

“Interesting,” Chan says. “Any game?”

“Nothing dirty,” Felix warns, “We’re not playing strip go fish again.”

“But that was fun,” Chan whines. 

“Hyunjin almost broke his ankle,” Felix says.  _ For a dancer he really isn’t always graceful _ , Felix thinks, remembering the way they all laughed until Hyunjin landed in a heap on his ankle trying to get out of his jeans. 

“That wasn’t the game’s fault,” Chan mumbles. 

“No,” Felix insists. 

“Fine,” Chan whines. “I’ll think about it on the way home.”

“Cool,” Felix says, trying to ignore the butterflies stirring up a tornado in his gut and the pounding in his ears at the thought of Chan coming home for  _ him _ . 

“Cool,” Chan agrees, “See you soon.”

“Thought you had a beat to fix,” Felix teases. 

“It can wait,” Chan says, “You doing my laundry for a week is more important.”

“Whatever you say,” Felix laughs, hanging up the phone before he says something stupid like  _ come home soon I really do miss you. _

“It’s happening,” Felix shouts, bursting through the door to Jisung’s room, before slamming the door shut at the sight of Jisung underneath a shirtless Changbin. 

“Felix?” Jisung calls breathlessly. “Baby get off,” he tells his boyfriend and Felix pretends he didn’t hear the “that’s what I’m trying to do” from the other boy. 

“Sorry,” Felix shouts from the safety of the hallway. 

“T’s fine Lix,” Jisung says, pulling his shirt down from where it mysteriously got rucked up. 

“Sorry Binnie,” Felix says when Changbin follows his boyfriend out of the room. “But  _ it’s happening. Now. _ ”

“Oh shit,” Changbin says, all traces of annoyance gone. 

“Operation Get Felix A Dick is a go,” Jisung agrees, Felix choking at the name. 

“That’s not what we’re calling it,” Changbin says, cutting off Jisungs whines with a look. 

“It needs a codename,” he whines. “Operation Felix Jumps Into the Pouch doesn’t have the same ring to it. Get it? Channie-hyung is a kangaroo? Kangaroos have pouches?”

“No,” Felix laughs. “My relationship goals don’t need a codename they just need to happen.”

‘You’re no fun,” Jisung says. 

“Chan’s gonna find out how much fun Felix is,” Changbin offers, accepting the fist bump from his boyfriend and ignoring the shock on Felix’s face. 

“Can we please focus,” Felix begs, “Chan’s on his way home.”

“Yes,” the boyfriends say in unison. 

“You get Innie and Seungmin and I’ll get Hyunjin and dad,” Changbin orders. 

“We’ll make sure they don’t bother you,” Jisung promises, pulling Felix into a hug that Felix returns hoping that all the love and relief he feels thanks to their help comes through. 

“It’ll be fine,” Changbin promises before running down the hallway to find their friends. 

Felix has just enough time to change into a bright red tracksuit, hoping that the sharpness of the color will dull the blush he can already feel forming on his ears enough so it’s not the only thing he’ll be able to focus on. 

“Sunshine,” Chan says, easily wrapping him up in a hug. 

“Hi,” Felix stutters before he gets his nerves under control and manages to chirp “how many traffic lights did your ride speed through to get here this fast?”

“Hush,” Chan says. “We just got lucky is all.”

“Uh huh,” Felix laughs. “Are you gonna stand here all night or are you gonna find a game for us to play.”  _ Not that I mind _ . 

“Oh, I’ve already found it,” Chan says, moving his arms from around Felix’s shoulders so he can take Felix’s hand in his. 

Felix lets himself be pulled to the couch and tries not to whine when Chan lets go of his hand with a soft “I'll be right back.”

Felix can’t stop moving around on the couch, too jittery to calm down so he sandwiches himself on the floor between the couch and the table, hoping he looks less fidgety than he feels. 

“We’re playing Uno,” Chan says, holding up the cards triumphantly. 

“Noooo,” Felix can’t help but whine, knowing how many fights the game’s caused between members over the years.

“It’ll be fun,” Chan sing-songs, “And you said it was my choice.”

“Fine,” Felix says, taking a sip of his drink, “It’s on.”

They take turns putting cards down, Chan laughing at Felix’s misery whenever he has to pick up new cards until the tables turn and Felix makes Chan pick up two cards. 

Felix helplessly cackles when Chan reveals his next card, commanding that Felix “takes  _ four _ more.”

“Pick up  _ eight _ ,” Felix laughs, throwing down the card and delighting in the way Chan covers his face. “Eight cards. Right now.”

“Pick up... _ twelve _ ,” Chan laughs instead of doing as he’s told. 

Felix can’t help the pterodactyl screech at the command, grabbing the cards and slamming them on the table while Chan laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s seen. 

“Now it’s my turn,” Chan laughs, putting the reverse card down so he gets another turn. “I play this and I finish the game.” 

“That was a practice round,” Felix insists once he stops laughing enough to get words out. 

“Sure,” Chan agrees, laughing just as hard. 

Felix takes his jacket off before they start again, pulling his sweater up over his head while he looks at his cards. 

“Can we listen to background music,” Felix asks, hoping the noise will help him focus on the game and not Chan’s dimple or the way his fingers hold the cards. 

“Is this a setup?” Chan asks when the suspenseful music starts playing from Felix’s phone. 

“Which will he pick first,” Felix narrates as Chan goes through his cards, but before he knows it, Chan’s announcing that he only has one card left.  _ We just fucking started _ Felix thinks, trying to pick his jaw off the floor before Chan notices. 

“Wait,” Felix says, pulling out the change color card triumphantly. 

“Oh what color?” Chan asks.  _ Brown _ is the first thought that comes to mind with the way he can’t look anywhere but Chan’s eyes, Felix’s brain shutting down for a second as he remembers the colors he’s allowed to pick from. 

“Green,” Felix says, screeching when Chan has to pick up new cards.

“Suck on that,” Felix laughs before he catches himself and stammers “now it’s my turn.” 

It feels like an eternity before Felix is down to his last card, putting it down despite Chan’s pleas. 

“I won,” Felix cackles at the same time Chan says “Guess I’m doing the dishes.”

Chan faux-snarls as he gets up, laughing at whatever he sees on Felix’s face.  _ Why was that hot that shouldn’t have been hot _ , Felix thinks as he lets Chan pull him off the floor. 

“That was fun,” Chan says, but Felix’s eyes have decided to lock onto Chan’s lips and before he knows it his eyes aren’t the only thing on Chan’s mouth. 

The kiss -if Felix can even call it a kiss- lasts for less than a second before Felix pulls away, blushing so hard his face feels like it’s going to explode, not giving Chan time to say how disgusted he is that Felix even considered kissing him in the first place. 

“Chan-hyung, you’re home,” Jeongin says while Felix is making his getaway. _Perfect,_ Felix thinks, _Innie saw everything_ _and now he’s gonna think I’m disgusting too_. 

The tears don’t start until Felix finds Jisung coming out of the kitchen where up until a few minutes ago he’d been distracting Jeongin and Seugmin with the promise of food.

“Innie,” Jisung shouts, realizing he’s lost one of his charges until his eyes lock with Felix’s.

“Jisungie,” Felix whimpers, launching himself into his friend’s arms with a sob. 

“Oh lixie,” Jisung whispers, wrapping his arms around his friend and squeezing hard enough for Felix to feel just a little more grounded. 

“What’s going on,” Felix hears Chan ask but he can’t look at Chan’s face and see _the disappointment_ and _I fucked everything up I’m sorry I just thought it’d be okay Jisung promised it would be okay but it’s not_. Jisung just squeezes him tighter and then Changbin is there and dragging Chan out of the room but all Felix can think is _everyone’s gonna know what happened and they’ll hate me I can’t go back to Australia I worked so hard here but it’s ruined_. 

“It’s gonna be fine, baby,” Jisung whispers into Felix’s hair. 

“It’s not,” Felix cries.

“It is,” Jisung promises. “Can you tell me what happened?”

They’re both so focused on each other that neither of them notice Jeongin walking into the room. 

“Why did Felix kiss Channie?” he blurts, not realizing that Felix is in the middle of a breakdown.

“Jeongin,” Jisung snaps, angrier than Felix has heard in years. 

“Oh,” Jeongin says, taking in the way Felix is wrapped up in Jisung’s arms and looking like he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to join the hug or should run away. 

“We should go,” Seungmin says softly, grabbing Jeongin and dragging him out of the room.

“Oh,” Jisung whispers once they’re alone. “You kissed him?”

“Yeah,” Felix hiccups. 

“And?” Jisung gently asks, and Felix would hate him for trying to get him to talk about it but that’s exactly why he ran to Jisung for comfort. 

“And nothing,” Felix says, finally wiping the tears and snot with his sleeve. 

“Nothing?” Jisung repeats. 

“Chan didn’t  _ do _ anything,” Felix says. “I didn’t mean to kiss him so I ran away.”

“Oh Lixie,” Jisung says. 

“Don’t say it’s gonna be ok,” Felix snaps, “It’s not.”

“I think you should ask Chan that,” Chan says from the edge of the room. 

“Christopher,” Jisung snarls, “I think you should leave.”

“I’m sorry,” Chan says. “But if Felix wants me to leave, then I’ll leave.”

Something in Chan’s voice makes Felix pull his head from Jisung’s chest to look at him, and what he sees would make his heart break if it wasn’t already crumbling into pieces. Chan looks  _ devastated _ , like someone took his members away from him and kicked Berry and told him Australia sunk into the ocean all at once, and Felix has  _ never _ seen him like this.  _ It’s all my fault _ Felix wants to run away or punch something but all he does is cry harder. 

“Baby?” Jisung asks, pulling Felix away from him enough that he can look at Felix when he asks, “do you want Chan to leave?”

Felix already feels himself shaking his head, now that he’s cried so much all he wants to do is sleep but he shares a bedroom with Chan so it’s better to just get the rejection over with so he can switch rooms with Jeongin before things get even more awkward than they already are. 

“D’you want me to stay?” Jisung asks, squeezing Felix’s hand. 

“I don’t think so,” Felix whispers,  _ Chan doesn’t need an audience for this _ . 

“Love you,” Jisung promises, prying Felix’s hands away from his shirt so he can leave them alone. 

Felix tries not to watch the way Jisung stops in front of Chan and gently squeezes his shoulder before running down the hallway calling for Changbin, but fails miserably if the way his heart stutters is anything to go by. 

“So,” Chan starts, shuffling awkwardly before motioning to mismatched kitchen chairs as if Felix has to give him permission to sit. 

“‘M sorry,” Felix spits out, biting his lip to distract himself from the burning behind his eyes. 

“For what?” Chan asks, which coming from anyone else would sound mocking but it’s  _ Chan _ and Chan would never try to hurt him like that. 

“I kissed you,” Felix whispers, “I shouldn’t have.”

“Why do you think you shouldn’t have?” Chan asks, eyebrows creased in confusion. 

“You don’t want that,” Felix says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Who says I don’t?” Chan asks like the answer is obvious. 

“You- you just don’t,” Felix argues. 

“What if I did?” Chan asks. 

“You-” Felix starts, cut off by lips on his. 

“Should I be sorry?” Chan asks, pulling away gently but not leaving Felix’s space. 

“No,” Felix whispers, wanting to connect their lips again but needing to know what just happened before his heart shatters again. 

“I like you, Felix, and I think you like me,” Chan says. 

“You do?” Felix asks. “Why?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re pretty incredible Lix,” Chan says. “You’re smart and cute and funny and the way you dance makes me want to die a little, not to mention your fucking voice. Please stop me before I embarrass myself.” 

When Felix kisses Chan this time, he’s smiling too much for it to be any good but Chan is  _ kissing back _ this time and it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. Jisung was right, it is going to be okay. 

\---

Felix finds himself asking Chan if he wants to bake with him, everyone knows it’s one of Felix’s favorite things so he should do it with his favorite person who happens to be more than a friend but Felix is terrified to ask how much more they are to each other.

“Of course I’ll help,” Chan agrees easily. 

Felix doesn’t want to be embarrassed when he feels Chan’s eyes watching his every move, and how he waits patiently for Felix to tell him what to do, but he feels his ears heat anyways and almost drops the bag of sugar when Chan offers to hold the measuring cup for him. 

“This good?” Chan asks, carefully measuring the flour once Felix lugs the bag over.

“Great,” Felix praises, laughing at how reverently Chan sifts it into the bowl. 

“Thanks baby,” Chan says, the pet name slipping out. 

Felix is so flustered that he grabs the slabs of butter, not thinking until Chan asks him if he needs a bag so they don’t end up with a buttery mess in the fridge, almost dropping the bag when Chan hands it to him.

Chan keeps checking in with Felix, making sure he’s melting the butter properly and pouring it into the mixture when Felix is ready and Felix is just so  _ happy _ that Chan volunteered to join him in the kitchen.

“Nice, very nice,” Felix praises, unable to stop himself and helpless against Chan’s small smile when he hears him. 

Mixing the dough is harder than Felix anticipated, his mixer no match for how thick it is so he shamelessly pouts at Chan asking if he wants a try. 

“Yeah sure,” Chan agrees easily, making sure their hands brush when they trade places. 

_ Oh no _ , Felix thinks when he realizes now he’s got a perfect view of Chan’s arms working.  _ Don’t look at the muscles. Don’t look at his arms.  _

“Felix?” Chan asks, snapping him out of his ogling. 

“We might have gone out of order,” Felix says, looking at the dough Chan’s been beating. “It’s really hard.”

“I think we did a good job,” Chan argues, proud of their hard work.

“Chocolate chips make everything better,” Felix agrees, pouring the entire bag into the dough.

Felix loves this part, putting in a little elbow grease to make sure every inch of dough is covered in chocolate chips.

Felix hears Chan squeak while he’s working, but when he looks up Chan seems very interested in the bits of flour dusting the table, but there’s a hint of pink dusting his cheeks and Felix is struck with the urge to either kiss him or paint his nose with dough so he breathes through his nose and counts to ten until it passes. 

He teaches Chan how to roll out the dough into cookies, trying not to focus on the way Chan’s hands roll the dough.

“This is nice,” Chan says as they’re working on the second batch. 

“It is,” Felix agrees, carefully rolling out the rest of the dough.

“These have more chocolate,” Felix says, showing Chan a chunk of dough that’s more chocolate than cookie, “I should give them to Jisung.”

“He loves chocolate,” Chan agrees. 

“Is this the right color?” Felix asks, “I might’ve done it wrong.”

“I’m sure they taste fine,” Chan says, following Felix back to the table and helping put the cookies onto the cooling sheet.

Chan, the demon, starts  _ licking _ the bowl clean as Felix puts the cookies into a container, and the smirk on his face tells Felix that he knows exactly what he’s doing. 

“These are delicious,” Chan praises, licking a crumb off his lip and Felix almost growls before surging up and catching another stray crumb off the corner of Chan’s mouth. 

“They are,” Felix agrees, feeling like he’s on fire, only mostly from embarrassment, before shoving a cookie in his mouth. 

_ Oh, these are good _ , Felix thinks, moaning at the taste and almost choking at the sound Chan makes in response. 

“Thanks for helping Channie-hyung,” Felix says while they’re cleaning up. 

“I had fun,” Chan says. 

“Me too,” Felix agrees, pulling Chan into a hug and letting Chan shuffle-walk them out of the kitchen.

“‘M tired,” Felix whines once they make it to the couch.

“Nap?” Chan asks, adjusting both of them so they can fall asleep tangled in each other. 

\---

Chan invites Felix to the studio one night with the promise of leaving before midnight, a rare occasion for the workaholic. 

“I won’t distract you?” Felix asks.

“You will,” Chan agrees, “but knowing you’re waiting will make me work faster.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Felix says, not surprised when Chan shoots back “you don’t make sense.”

Felix knows the studio like the back of his hand, has even fallen asleep on the couch when Chan refused to leave until the song was perfect, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling a mix of nerves and excitement at the idea that Chan actually wants him here. 

Chan scoops him up as they cross the threshold, Felix has to clutch Chan’s shoulder to keep from falling, squawking indignantly at the sudden weightlessness before giving in and letting Chan do as he pleases. 

“Make yourself at home,” Chan says, dropping Felix unceremoniously in one of the plush chairs in the corner of the room.

“Hmmf,” Felix mumbles when Chan comes back to gently kiss his forehead. Felix can’t help the grabby hands he throws Chan’s way; he’s not sure if he’s allowed to actually ask for kisses yet so this is the next best thing.

“You’re cute,” Chan says, letting Felix pull him closer for a proper kiss, pulling away slowly with a pout that matches the one on Felix’s own lips. 

“What are we,” Felix blurts as he watches Chan work. 

“What do you mean?” Chan asks, blinking owlishly. 

“I just- what are we?” Felix stammers, “to each other, I mean.”

“Baby,” Chan says, “I- I guess we haven’t talked about it.”

“I like you,” Felix says, “and you like me. I-”

Felix wants to be mad when Chan cuts him off this time, already losing himself in panic because  _ what if I’m wrong I’m an idiot Chan doesn’t actually like me anymore than the other boys. _

“I want to date you,” Chan says earnestly, waiting for permission to step into Felix’s space. 

“Yeah?” 

“Of course baby,” Chan says, Felix flushing at the nickname. “I thought you knew that.”

“Jisung kisses  _ everyone _ ,” Felix whines, “and he calls everyone baby.”

“I- I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” Chan says, leaning forward like he’s telling Felix a secret, “I’m not Jisung.”

“Oh that’s fantastic,” Felix laughs.

“Thought you’d be happy,” Chan says with a smile that lights up the room. 

Chan’s phone snaps them out of moment, Chan squeezing Felix’s hand and mouthing “work work work” before dutifully answering the call. 

Felix feels like he’s floating, heart full of too many emotions to make sense of any of them before crashing when he realizes what dating another person entails. 

Felix knows he needs to get as much as he can out in the open before Chan realizes that there’s one thing he can’t - _won’t_ \- give him. _Can you give someone your heart without giving them your body_ , _is that even fair? I’m leading him on and he’s going to be so disappointed and everyone is going to hate me_ _when he tells them I’m fucked up_ _but I’m not fucked up this is how I am and I’m supposed to be okay with it._

“Baby,” Chan says, eyes full of concern which just whips the thoughts racing through Felix’s head into a frenzy.

Felix doesn’t realize how hard he’s shaking until he feels Chan’s arms around his shoulders, holding him steady and telling him that “you’re alright, it’s fine, you’re fine.”

Chan holds him until the shaking stops, Felix doesn’t know how long it takes but when he pulls away there’s a wet spot on Chan’s collar from what Felix knows are his own tears. 

“Sorry,” Felix whispers, leaning into Chan’s touch. 

“We can leave,” Chan says easily, still petting Felix. 

“Song’s not done,” Felix asks, not wanting to be the reason Chan falls behind.

“Song’s not important,” Chan says, “you are.”

A million things race through Felix’s head, embarrassment at causing a scene, elation at Chan saying he’s important, anger at himself for being weak, but the one thing that slips out is what he’s the most scared of. 

“I don’t fuck,” Felix blurts.

“You don’t give a fuck?” Chan asks, eyebrows creasing in confusion. 

“No, I-” Felix starts, wishing the chair would swallow him whole, “I- I don’t _do_ _sex_.”

“Like,” Chan says, “you  _ haven’t  _ done it?”

“No,” Felix says, “well, yeah, but I just- I don’t do it.”

“Ever?” Chan asks, and now Felix is even more frustrated and embarrassed but he knows Chan’s not doing this to be mean so he lets him continue. “Why?”

“I just don’t want to,” Felix explains. “Never have, never will.”

“Oh,” Chan says. “Does this mean we can’t be together?”

“If not fucking is a dealbreaker, probably not,” Felix says, bracing for the rejection he knows is coming. 

“It’s not a dealbreaker,” Chan says, eyes sparkling with relief. 

“It’s not?” Felix asks, looking at Chan through his lashes as if the thin hairs can protect him. 

“I like  _ you _ , Lixie,” Chan promises, “your body’s nice but it’s not the only part of you I’m interested in.”

“Yeah?” Felix asks, releasing the breath he’s been holding since their conversation started.

“You gotta tell me if I fuck up, yeah?” Chan says, “I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“I’ll tell you,” Felix promises, laughing as Chan peppers every inch of visible skin with kisses before pulling back in horror.

“Shit,” Chan apologizes.

“Kisses are fine,” Felix assures him, pressing his own to the corner of Chan’s mouth. 

“Awesome,” Chan whispers against Felix’s lips.

_ Awesome _ . 

\----

The third time Chan chooses someone else to pull onto his lap is when Felix gets suspicious. Ever since The Talk, Chan’s been tiptoeing around his boyfriend, not avoiding touching him but not seeking skinship out either. 

It’s not the same with the other members, and Felix doesn’t know if he wants to cry or scream whenever he sees Chan with one of their friends. 

If anything, Chan’s become  _ more _ handsy with everyone, wrapping Minho in a hug whenever he can, constantly petting Hyunjin’s hair or pressing Jeongin into the couch and tickling him mercilessly when he doesn’t laugh at Chan’s latest dad joke.

_ Is it karma?  _ He can’t help but think as he watches Chan wrap his arms around Jisung. Maybe he deserves this, being the one who never initiated contact but now that he’s allowed to touch it’s like Chan never wants to touch him. Sure, Chan’s not avoiding him and they can sit on the couch for hours next to each other but it’s not enough for Felix anymore. 

If he were braver, Felix would drag Chan into their bedroom and press him into the wall until he finds out why Chan isn’t cuddling him even though he’s his fucking boyfriend, but Felix has always been a coward when it comes to his heart. Admitting his feelings and asking Chan to be  _ his _ was hard enough he’s not sure if his heart could handle Chan changing his mind no matter how gently he’d let him down. 

“Felix?” Jisung says, pulling him out of his head and judging from the look on his and Chan’s faces he must have been trying to get Felix’s attention for a while. 

“Sorry,” Felix tries to laugh, “got distracted.” 

“Awww is Lixie jealous that I’ve got Channie?” Jisung laughs, and Felix hates the way his ears burn because  _ yes I’m fucking jealous that should be me _ . 

“Lix?” Chan says, pulling away from Jisung and they must both be worried because Jisung doesn’t even whine at the loss. 

“‘Ts fine,” Felix says, trying to ignore the way the pressure behind his eyes is building but that just makes the tears actually start to fall. 

“Baby,” Chan whispers, pulling Felix off the couch and into his arms.  _ Oh, now he wants to hold me _ , the demon on Felix’s shoulder says which just makes him cry harder. 

“Oh shit,” Jisung says, but judging from the sharp “ouch” he lets out Minho must’ve elbowed him to shut him up. 

_ Great, now I’ve made Jisung sad and everyone’s worried again _ ,  _ I’m sorry _ . 

“I’ve got you,” Chan keeps whispering into Felix’s hair as he lifts him off the ground and carries him to their room, gently placing him onto his bed. 

“‘M sorry,” Felix chokes, curling closer into Chan’s chest. 

“Oh baby, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Chan promises, rubbing his hand up and down Felix’s back and pressing kisses into his hair. 

“Why don’t you hold me?” Felix says from where he’s pressed into Chan. 

“I’m holding you right now,” Chan says, and sure, he’s not wrong but that’s not what Felix means. 

“Not now,” Felix argues, and once he starts talking he can’t stop between sobs. “I want you to push me into the arm of the couch when you’re zoning out on your phone, I want you to pet my hair, I want _so much_ _and I don’t know how to ask for it._ ”

“You’re asking now baby,” Chan whispers. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been giving you enough attention. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” Felix sobs. 

“Of course I want you,” Chan says, voice wet. “But you’ve gotta give me something to go on, y’know?” 

“I didn’t wanna make you cuddle if you didn’t want to,” Felix whispers, embarrassed because now that he says it out loud it sounds silly. 

“I always want to hold you,” Chan promises, squeezing just a little tighter around Felix’s middle. 

“Yeah?” Felix asks, unable to stop himself from rubbing his head against Chan’s chest like one of Minho’s cats which feels better than looking at Chan’s face. 

“Yeah,” Chan whispers. 

“Ok,” Felix says, forcing himself to nod knowing that even if Chan can’t’ see it he can feel it. “Will you stay here tonight?”

“Always baby,” Chan says, picking up his giant bear and pressing it to Felix’s hair. “But we might have to move some of your friends so we both fit.” 

It’s enough to make Felix laugh, he knows they all have a lot of soft things to cuddle but he’s not ashamed to admit that his collection is bigger than everyone else’s. 

“But he’s soft,” he laughs, “I can’t make him sleep on the floor.” 

“That’s very nice baby,” Chan agrees, “How about we move everyone to my bed so they’re not lonely,” and well, Felix can’t argue with that logic. That and the fact that none of his plushies can hug him back nearly as well as his boyfriend.

Felix makes sure to say goodnight to each and every one of his plushies before situating them on Chan’s bunk, telling them to play nice with Chan’s own plushies and to sleep well, taking his time before Chan pulls him away with a “they’ll be fine Lix,” and he knows they will but he  _ worries _ . Being a dad is hard, he can’t imagine what it’s like for Minho to be away from his living breathing babies. 

“Don’t you want to cuddle?” Chan asks fondly, once he’s finally led Felix away. 

“Yes,” Felix almost shouts, he probably should be embarrassed but Chan’s eyes are soft in the way they only get for him and he can’t help but press a soft kiss to his lips just to feel Chan smile. 

Felix lets Chan pull the blankets off the bed so they can climb in, his heart so full when Chan asks “how do you want me” and lets himself be cheesy enough to answer with “any way you’ll let me,” and delights in the way his boyfriend’s mouth opens in a soft “o” before tackling him onto the mattress. 

True to his word, Chan lets Felix manipulate his limbs the way he wants them for optimum cuddles, Felix snuggled into Chan’s side with one of Chan’s arms and legs pressed over him, sighing happily before drifting off to sleep. 

\---

Everyone’s fucking around in the living room, in theory practicing different languages so they don’t sound like idiots in front of Stays during their next fansigning but actually just saying random phrases that don’t make sense. 

Felix says something in French, automatically pulling his jacket over his face so the boys can’t see how red his ears are.

He’s saved by a crash coming from the kitchen, pans clanging to the floor and distressed yelps filling the room. 

“Where’s Innie?” Minho asks when the crashing continues.

“We should find him,” Seungmin says, pulling Hyunjin and Changbin out of the room. 

“You just seduced everyone here in this room,” Chan laughs. 

“What if I’m trying to seduce you?” Felix says, prepared to laugh it off if Chan takes it the wrong way. 

Chan’s mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water for what feels like an eternity, before he snaps out of it with a stammered “what” but Felix’s brain is already running through apologies and escape routes because now he feels  _ awkward and oh god why did I think that was ok _ before he feels a hand close over his where it’s balled into a fist on his knee. 

“Was that a joke?” Chan asks as gently as Felix has ever heard him, his hand pulling Felix’s fingers apart just as softly. 

“It could be,” Felix stammers, even though he  _ knows _ he’s never been more serious. 

“Lix,” Chan says.

“It’s nothing,” Felix says, not wanting to risk giving up any more of his heart than he already has. “Just forget I said anything.” 

“‘Nothing’ wouldn’t be making you this upset,” Chan says, “We can’t make this better if we don’t talk about it.”

Felix knows his boyfriend is right but it’s always been so much easier to keep his feelings in a tight ball in a vault behind a brick wall in his chest, pretending everything’s ok even when it’s falling apart at the seams. He also knows that Chan would never hurt him, has been told that over and over again whenever Felix’s fucked up brain tries to interfere in their relationship, but all the reassurances -followed by kisses, of course- in the world only go so far. 

“Baby,” Chan asks again, voice breaking ever-so-slightly enough that it pulls Felix out of his head and Felix could fucking  _ sob _ at how Chan’s face is somehow so concerned and full of adoration at the same time. 

“I just-” Felix doesn’t really know how to say what he wants to say, so he bites the bullet and word vomits what probably makes no sense whatsoever but means _you never kiss me am I disgusting and you must hate me_ _I’m sorry_.

“Slow down, Lix,” Chan says, but Felix can’t really hear it with the way his ears are buzzing and his lungs can’t get enough air and  _ I can’t breathe _ is all he can think. 

Felix feels like he’s floating, but judging from the warmth he faintly feels along his side and against his back, Chan’s pulled him into his lap and there’s a hand holding his against Chan’s chest so he can feel Chan’s chest expand and contract solidly against his palm and Felix can see Chan’s lips moving but he  _ can’t hear _ what he’s saying. 

“Felix? Baby breathe with me ok?” Chan pleads, pushing Felix’s hand harder against his chest as if he can give Felix his own air. 

Somehow that’s the thought that snaps Felix out of his panic, digging his fingers into Chan’s t-shirt and doing his best to feel when Chan breathes in and copying the movement with his own lungs until he doesn’t feel as much like he’s drowning. 

“Good job baby,” Chan murmurs like a prayer, too scared to stop until Felix looks up at him and then he’s pulling Felix into the tightest hug he’s ever had. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispers as he tries to wipe the tears and snot from Chan’s sleeve, only making more of a mess instead. 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Chan promises, chuckling lightly at the way Felix’s brows are creased like his snot has personally offended him. 

“I’m a baby,” Felix says, cutting his boyfriend off before he can say something ridiculously sappy like “yes, you’re my baby,” because as much as he just freaked out over the conversation they were supposed to have, they really do need to talk about it. 

“You don’t kiss me,” he continues. “Or you don’t. I dunno.  _ Kiss me. _ ” 

“Lixie, I kissed you the second I saw you this morning,” Chan says. 

“No i mean, all we ever do is pecks or quick kisses,” Felix says. “That’s not  _ kissing _ .”

“I-” Chan starts. 

“I want more,” Felix says, unable to stop himself. 

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Chan says. “I thought you didn’t like anything more.”

“Well we’ve never tried it,” Felix says. “You’ve never wanted to try it.”

“Oh baby, of course I want to,” Chan says, and Felix knows it’s the truth but he’s also terrified and excited at the thought of Chan’s lips on his own for more than just a second. “If you want to, I want to.” 

“I…. I want to,” Felix whispers, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and not missing the way Chan’s eyes drop to follow the movement. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t do anything right now, okay?” Chan asks, and as much as Felix wants to continue their breakthrough he knows that now isn’t the best time to find out the way his lips move against Chan’s. 

“Wanna cuddle?” Felix asks instead, Chan already leading him down the hallway to their shared bedroom. 

“Always,” Chan promises, situating them in the bottom bunk so that they can fall asleep breathing each other’s air. 

Felix swears he hears Chan whisper “I love you” into his hair as he drifts off to sleep, but surely it’s just his heart playing tricks on him. 

\---

Chan prods him into a game of  Muk-Jji-Ppa over dancing on the bridge, but Felix has never been a match for Chan’s  _ hands _ and loses straight away. 

“I can’t do this,” Felix laughs, picking his hat off the ground. “I’m too shy.”

“Alright, this part then,” Chan says, laughing through the lyrics. 

Felix’s body moves instinctively, shooting his arms in the air before contorting into the moves that he’s so used to doing. 

“Felix bye,” Chan shouts, giggling maniacally as he runs away, camera still on Felix.

“No,” Felix shouts, nearly bowling Chan over and taking the camera from him.  _ The producers should be happy with this, _ he thinks, wanting to spend the rest of the night  _ alone _ with his boyfriend. 

“Thanks for today,” Felix says, taking Chan’s arm and wrapping it around his waist hoping it looks like nothing more than their usual skinship to wandering eyes. 

“It was fun,” Chan says, quickly pressing a kiss to Felix’s hair. 

“We should go home,” Felix says, suddenly aware of how close his boyfriend is and delighting in the fact that they got to spend the whole day together. 

“Oh?” Chan teases, but his ears are just as red as Felix’s, showing him that he’s not the only one affected by the day. 

Chan holds his hand the entire drive home, grounding the part of Felix that’s ready to burst into flames, squeezing tight and rubbing his thumb over Felix’s knuckles. 

Felix can’t tell if the ride feels like it takes hours or minutes, but soon enough Chan’s gently pulling him out of the car and leading him into the dorms. 

Felix remembers that the other boys have their own videos to film tonight, so he doesn’t object when Chan pushes him against the front door as soon as they’re inside. 

“This okay?” Chan whispers, close enough that Felix can feel his breath on his cheek. 

“Kiss me,” Felix demands but it comes out more of a whine than a command, pouting up at Chan, fluttering his lashes and hoping he looks seductive. 

“Yes sir,” Chan laughs, giving Felix a butterfly kiss before moving to his cheeks, eyes sparkling.

“Baby,” Felix whines, surging up to take Chan’s lips since Chan clearly won’t do it himself. 

Felix can’t help but whine when Chan pulls back, holding Felix’s shoulders against the wall so he can look him in the eyes.

“You’re sure?” Chan asks. “You have to tell me what’s too much and we’ll stop.”

“I’ll tell you,” Felix promises, knowing that Chan’s just trying to keep him safe, the love and worry in Chan’s eyes assuring him that he’s doing the right thing.  _ He won’t hurt you _ , he thinks over and over. 

Felix has to make the first move, Chan seemingly content watching the way Felix’s blush spreads across his freckles and letting Felix be in control. 

Felix presses his mouth to Chan’s, hoping that instinct will take over and he’ll stop feeling so fucking  _ nervous _ , relieved when Chan pulls away enough to change the angle of their heads, making it easier for Felix to deepen the kiss. He feels Chan gasp at the pressure, part of him lighting up when he realizes that  _ he’s _ the reason for it, lets Chan pull his lower lip between his teeth and soothes the bite with a kiss before crashing their lips together. 

Felix is the one who gasps this time, Chan using the opening to slowly push his tongue into Felix’s mouth, holding it there until Felix squeezes his shoulder and awkwardly slides their tongues together. At least, it should feel awkward, whenever he’s thought about it before Felix can’t help but blanche at the cliche of “tongues battling for dominance” but Chan knows what he’s doing and all he can do is curl his toes at how good it feels. 

“Good?” Chan asks, pupils dilated when he meets Felix’s eyes. 

“Hyuuung,” Felix whines, leaning in for another kiss that Chan happily gives him before kissing down his jawline. 

Felix loses himself in the feeling of Chan’s mouth against his throat, covering what feels like every inch of skin in kisses and hints of teeth. Part of Felix wants Chan to  _ bite _ , to leave a mark that everyone will know means that he’s Chan’s, but he knows management would kill both of them if Felix came to a photoshoot or interview with bruises over his pulse point. 

“That’s enough,” Felix says when he feels Chan’s hands play with the edge of his shirt. “Stop.”

Chan’s hands stop immediately, murmuring apologies into Felix’s shoulder before stepping away completely.  _ Don’t leave _ , Felix wants to scream, reaching for Chan’s hand and keeping his eyes firmly on the wall behind Chan so he doesn’t have to look him in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispers, hating the way that Chan asks if it’s alright to hug him, hating how gentle Chan sounds, as if Felix is a scared kitten.  _ He just wants to make sure you’re alright _ , he reminds himself. 

“I’m the one who’s sorry,” Chan says once Felix shuffles into his arms, holding him like Felix is the most precious thing in the world. 

“Thank you for stopping,” Felix says after a few minutes. “I know it was hard.”

“Stopping isn’t the thing that’s hard,” Chan laughs. “You’re more important than hormones.”

“ _ Gross _ ,” Felix whines, pushing at Chan’s shoulder in mock-disapproval. 

“Only for you,” Chan sing-songs, taking Felix’s hand and leading him to their room when Felix lets out a yawn. 

Felix wraps himself around one of his plushies before collapsing onto his bed, blindly reaching for his blanket and connecting with the flesh of Chan’s arm instead. 

“Here, baby,” Chan laughs, pulling the blanket over Felix.

“Mmm,” Felix moans, snuggling as deep as he can, already drifting to sleep. 

“G’night sunshine,” Chan whispers into Felix’s hair before climbing up the ladder to his bunk. 

\----

_ Where is it? _ Felix wonders, digging through the freezer trying to find something sweet to make him feel better after a rough day in the dance studio. Minho decided that they needed to change up the choreography for whatever awards show they’re doing next and didn’t let Felix or Hyunjin leave until they had every step down perfectly.  _ Why can’t I be part of vocal RACHA instead, Minho is mean. _

“Found you!” Felix shouts at the ice cream when he finds it, before realizing it’s  _ strawberry _ . “Why do you have to be strawberry?”  _ Yeah, because it’s the ice cream’s fault it is the way it is.  _

His debate with the ice cream doesn’t stop him from grabbing a spoon and throwing away the lid, knowing that if he doesn’t finish it someone else happily will. 

The first bite shocks him, the coldness against his tongue making him shiver all over before he can actually focus on the sweetness of the strawberry flavor. It’s not overpoweringly sweet, and even though the chunks of actual fruit aren’t the most pleasant he finds himself licking the spoon clean each time he takes a new scoop. 

Felix yawns somewhere between the fourth and fifth bite, his body finally realizing how late it is despite the freezing temperature of the food he can’t stop eating. He really should go to sleep, they’ve got yet another early day tomorrow and he can’t let Jeongin be the only one fully awake again. 

Changbin’s curled up in a heap on the floor outside their room, Jisung rubbing his back as his boyfriend whines about needing a new blanket because his has  _ floor germs _ all over it when Felix makes it down the hall. 

“What’s going on?” Felix asks, wanting to know why his friends are pretending to be doorstops. 

“Channie-hyung is doing a livestream,” Changbin whines, burrowing deeper into Jisung’s lap. 

“In bed?” Felix asks.

“Yeah,” Jisung says, “Guess it’s too cold to do it in his  _ other _ room.”

“He won’t stop talking,” Changbing whines, “‘M tired.”

“Why don’t you just go sleep in Sungie’s room?” Felix laughs, crouching down to pet Changbin’s hair. 

“Is that ice cream?” Jisung asks suddenly, lighting up at the prospect of a late-night treat.

“Want some?” Felix asks, holding the spoon out to his friend who immediately licks the spoon clean. 

“Thanks Lixie,” Changbin says, “Now he’s gonna be hyped up on sugar instead of cuddling me.”

“I’ll always cuddle you, baby,” Jisung says, “but I can’t control wandering hands.” 

“I’d never ask you to,” Changbin laughs, Felix snorting at how ridiculously adorable they are. 

“Chan-hyung?” Felix asks, knocking gently before letting himself into the room. 

Felix isn’t prepared for what he sees: Chan wrapped up in a blanket looking like the definition of comfortable clad in sweats and a black beanie. He can’t help the urge to climb into bed with Chan despite the eyes on him, but now’s the exact opposite of the right time for that so he clutches the door frame until he gets his thoughts under control. 

“Oh hey Felix,” Chan says, more to the camera than himself. “Wanna say hi?”

He really doesn’t feel up to greeting what’s surely millions of people watching, so Felix distracts Chan by announcing “ice cream” and triumphantly raising the carton so he can see it. 

“Wanna bite?” Felix asks.

“Felix gave me some ice cream,” Chan explains, showing the camera a spoonful. “Stay go ahhh nom nom nom.” 

“That’s really cold ugh,” Chan whines.

“Brain freeze,” Felix agrees. 

Chan starts singing when Changbin manages to get away from his boyfriend’s grabby hands, and Felix thinks the funniest thing in the world would be to add his own lyrics. 

“Ice cream!” Felix says every few words, delighting in the way Chan’s face lights up and the words turn into giggles. 

Felix holds the ice cream up to the camera before Chan cuts him off laughing about being seen in the mirror. 

“That was Changbin and Felix,” Chan tells the audience, “I should get going.”

Felix’s heart skips a beat at the way Chan throws the blanket over the camera in some sort of hug to their fans, unable to hide the way his face goes soft thinking about how incredible his leader,  _ no, his boyfriend, _ is. 

“What?” Chan asks, self-consciously running a hand through his curls. 

“I love you,” Felix’s brain really needs to work on being in sync with his heart because that’s the  _ last thing _ he meant to say. 

“Yeah?” Chan asks, and Felix  _ knows _ that Chan will let him pass it off as a slip of the tongue but Chan doesn’t deserve that and Felix is pretty fucking sure he meant it but if he says it again he’ll cry so he closes his eyes and nods his head. 

“Come here, baby,” Chan asks, gently taking the spoon from Felix’s hand and dropping it on the floor. The ice cream is trickier to get rid of, luckily Changbin is pretending not to see anything but paying enough attention to take the carton out of Felix’s hands before he drops it. 

“I’m crashing with Sungie,” he tells them, making sure to gently bump Felix’s shoulder before he leaves. 

“Thanks Binnie,” Felix hears himself say as the door shuts behind his friend. 

“Come  _ here _ ,” Chan whines, making grabby hands at Felix so he’ll laugh. 

“‘M coming,” Felix whispers, climbing up the ladder and navigating the pillow fortress Chan made. 

“I love you too,” Chan says, pulling Felix into a hug that’s just this side of too tight and not tight enough but it’s enough to knock Felix breathless. 

Felix can’t help but push Chan onto his back, peppering his face in kisses until Chan catches his lips with his own and Felix lets Chan take the breath from his lungs until he feels his eyes starting to drift shut and Chan announces that it’s bedtime. 

Felix wakes up to a single text message. It’s from Jisung, and there’s a picture attached of Felix sleeping, wrapped up in Chan’s arms with a small smile on his face, the caption “See, told you it’s be fine” and a rainbow heart emoji that says everything Felix needs to hear. His friends love him, and so does their leader, things really will be okay. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i'm @mystlcboy on twitter if you wanna hang?


End file.
